 | 'And Dennis sayeth: 'There shall be an by-election'. But Dennis changed his mind and sayeth: 'No, there shall be no by-election, for Donald who was my foe is dead, but Henrod is my friend'. And then, for no obvious reason, Dennis decided Henrod was not so friendly after all, for he was beholden unto the Emperor Antonious Blairus. And verily a by-election was called.' From Nativity for a Falkirk bairn in the Sunday Herald, 17 th December 2000 |  |
... hark the Sunday Herald angel!
It came to pass in the reign of King Henrod of Glenrothes in the Kingdom of Fife-ites that an angel appeared unto Dennis of Canavan, saying 'Verily, ye shall call an by-election. And it shall be called Falk Irk West. And great will be the rejoicing among the Nationalites, for they will say one unto another 'Here is our chance to give our Labourite foes a right good smiting'.'
And Dennis sayeth: 'There shall be an by-election'.
But Dennis changed his mind and sayeth: 'No, there shall be no by-election, for Donald who was my foe is dead, but Henrod is my friend'.
And then, for no obvious reason, Dennis decided Henrod was not so friendly after all, for he was beholden unto the Emperor Antonious Blairus. And verily a by-election was called.
Now there was at that time a national holiday, which was called Christ Mas, and Joseph of the seed of Bloggs, and his beloved Mary, travelled unto Falk Irk for the festive special offers in the High Street precinct. Mary was great with child, and even as she arrived at the walls of Falk Irk, she went into Labour, which is called Scottish and New.
But there was no room at the maternity ward> For Forth Valley Acute Services NHS Trust had decreed that the physicians of Obstetrix should dwell among the Stirlingites. Or something like that.
And so Mary had to find space in an hostel known as the Rough Sleepers Initiative, which was the brainchild of Wen Dee, princess of the Manage-Mentcon-Sultanites. And Joseph said unto his betrothed: 'This isn't on, Mary Doll. Is not this the land where our forefathers were promised reduced waiting lists, and for which Queen Su San has devised an almighty and cunning national health plan? We shall vote for the Nationalites.
Now there were abiding in the fields shepherds, watching over their cattle an grumbling about falling farm incomes. And the candidate Eric appeared unto them. And they were gripped with fear, for he was a centurion and a trained smiter of men. But he said unto them: 'Fear not, and Re-joyce, for if you think you got it bad, at least you are not fishermen. For however much they cast their nets upon the waters, their quotas are being slashed mightily by the Eurocrites.
'And, by the way, have you had a look at the tax-gathering plans of the Nationalites? Go unto yonder Falk Irk and Vote Labour, for verily, you know it maketh sense.'
And in the sky, there appeared a host of telephone canvassers singing the praises of the new deal that the God Gor Don had made with his people, and giving thanks that no more would they endure the seven years of famine that followed seven years of plenty, which is called Tory Bloom and Burst.
Then, there came upon the parliament in the east three wise scribes of the Pundite tribe. They had seen a star in the sky and had followed it even unto Bonnybridge in the land of Falk Irk. It was an object which flew yet was unidentified. And they were sore amazed and said one unto another: 'What can this be, that has brought us unto this strange land?'
And they bought gifts unto the new born child: Guardian, Financial Times and Mirror>
And the Pundites brought word that Joseph must take Mary and the babe and must flee from the land of Henrod and hasten unto the land of West Minster. For Henrod had sent out a decree that the first-born of all the Quango people should be put to the sword and cast upon a mighty bonfire.
For, he sayeth, that is what is modern and progressive and dynamic and forward-moving. At least, that is what he seemed to sayeh, for he spake in a strange tongue known only to Fife-ites.
And verily, Joseph of the seed of Bloggs saw that it was good. But he made a sharp exit, just in case.
Chief Scribe of Politics
- Dec 17
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